Why Is It So Hard to Meet Crossdressers?

Why Is It So Hard to Meet Crossdressers?

I struggled with that question for years and years as I began to evolve as a crossdresser and a sissy. I would Google every search term possible, hoping for that elusive perfect site where I could be myself and meet others like me.

But, alas, I never found it. I found lots of sites that made it look like they were designed for gurls like me, and I found larger fetish sites that were focused on overall kink and tangentially touched upon mine… but finding the holy grail never happened for me.

As I explored all of the other sites out there, I came to four conclusions:

1. CDs, sissies, and panty boys are ripe targets for scammers.

I know how that sounds, but unfortunately, it’s true. There is a lot of deep psychology in an evolving CD and there are sites that try to exploit that for their own financial gain. For example, like many CDs, when I started down this path I yearned for a real woman to help me embrace this about myself, so I would search out dominant women who would “force me” to feminize and essentially give me permission to be a gurl. I found specialized dating sites that appeared to be perfect for us gurls… but also found them populated with thousands of fake profiles, and my inbox filled with bot-generated messages. Some sites are taken over by “online” dommes seeking to leverage your needs and desires to extort money from you in many different forms.

Don’t get me wrong—there are also some legitimate sites out there that are smaller in scope and provide limited functionality, and there are legitimate Dommes who help us to fulfill our feminine potential. Ms. Ava is one of those women. She has made it her goal to foster that feminine instinct in men and to help them release their feminine energy.

2. We are misunderstood and marginalized by the “lifestyle.”

I was asked once by a woman who I’d just started dating if I was part of “the lifestyle.” This was before she knew about my dressing, but she knew that I was a bit kinky 😊 . Although I knew what she was talking about, I asked her “which lifestyle” because as a CD I didn’t feel like I was welcomed in the lifestyle she was referring to…the swinger lifestyle. As our relationship progressed, I shared more about my dressing and, more importantly, about my…how to say it…openness to men and women. In the “lifestyle,” being a CD and/or a male bisexual isn’t widely accepted.

Unfortunately, the swinging community, and to a lesser degree the kink community, don’t cater to CDs or even bisexual or bi-curious men. People like us are found on the fringes, if they’re visible at all. Although I know some swingers who have experienced male bisexuality, it isn’t widely accepted in that lifestyle and so is usually kept quiet. Yet female bisexuality is encouraged among swingers and is sometimes the prime focus. Does this make sense to you?

You’d also think that a sexy CD could mix right in and be one of the girls….but nooooo. 😊

3. We’re out of place within the trans community.

The transgender community and movement have made enormous strides toward the rights of trans people over the last couple of years. CDs may not feel part of that group because we’re just guys who love to explore our femininity and to dress and/or play as women occasionally. For the most part, we’re not struggling with the gender identity issues that our trans friends must navigate. This is a sweeping generalization, of course, and I’ve known CDs who began identifying more as transgender as they evolved, so please don’t flame me because I made that statement 😊 . It’s a spectrum, a mosaic, with no clear edges or even definitions. My point is that crossdressers are generally happy being male. As such, we don’t quite feel at home on trans dating sites.

CoQ is a place where CDs and all transfeminine people can feel accepted, respected, and desired.

4. Hookup apps aren’t for everybody.

There are lots of apps out there that facilitate quick hookups between horny people. I will admit that I’ve spent a fair amount of time on Grindr and had very pleasurable experiences from it. But it’s not for everybody. While some of us enjoy being sluts, others just want to have a gurl or guy to talk to or possibly form a relationship with. Hookup apps are not good at fostering that kind of environment.

So, CDs are in a funny position. We’re not fully accepted by the swingers community…we feel out of place in the trans community…when we’re kinky, we’re just a subset of all of the larger fetish sites that are out there…we’re vulnerable to scammers…and many are looking for something more than a hookup. Add all of those things together, and it’s no wonder why meeting others with like-minded intent in a secure environment has been so difficult.

In a nutshell, that’s why I teamed with Ms. Ava to create Circle of Q. I know there are hundreds of thousands of us out there, secretly dressing while our wives are away…or if you’re lucky, your partner accepts or even encourages your dressing. Or if you’re really lucky, like me, you’re divorced and have new freedom to fully explore your CD or sissy obsession. Regardless of your circumstances, you probably long to find others like yourself to chat with, trade secrets with, or even meet to fully explore your hidden desires.

Join Us!

By Rebecca Lynn

Please call me Becca. I'm so happy to be part of this community.

11 thoughts on “Why Is It So Hard to Meet Crossdressers?

  • JoAnn Summers

    and the question is “since its pretty easy for ME to meet,…and eat…CD’s,

    WHY ARE THE CDs I meet always so HARD !”

    …and anyone who wants to meet ME…just drop me a line (…like, can I get into your panties ??? )

    (( and the answer is always YES ))

    • Svetlana Brewski

      Are you still a member? I searched for you, and I do not find a JoAnn Summers.

    • Onufrak Andrew

      I am 58 and I have no idea what I am really doing for now but I do know that I need to truly find my own place to find and meet people who will help and guide me to figure out what I am and what I am desiring.

  • Miley

    You just described what I’ve been dealing with alone for so long to a T. That was incredible thank you so much, I’ve been feeling more and more depressed, alone and isolated like maybe I really am the only one and that i deserve all the torment and hate directed at me now that I was outted. But ready that gave me some hope that i can keep living and maybe find happiness. Truly thank you.

    • Ava Durga

      Miley, thank you for sharing your thoughts– it makes us so happy to hear feedback like that! I’m glad you found Becca’s article reassuring. It’s true…you’re not alone at all. Consider joining us so you can reach out to others and participate in the various events for more fun and support. I wish you the best!

      Warm regards,

      ~Ms. Ava

    • Rebecca Lynn

      Thanks for the reply Miley. It warms my heart to know that we’re helping. And Darling, you absolutely are not alone. There are millions of us out there. 🙂

  • Brianna McCormick


    Nice thoughts, but I think one more item should be added: the dread closet. Let’s face it, being a crossdresser we risk a number of Negative social and economic repercussions if we are totally open about our feminine explorations. As such, many of us have buried ourselves in the far back corner of the closet (back where the dust bunnies proliferate). Many of us are understandably reluctant to meet others. Whether a conscious decision or habit many of us are hiding. Not all of us, mind you, but there are significantly more of us out there than there are those willing to meet. Given that there aren’t all that many crossdressers our there to begin with there is a decided scarcity of individuals to meet. I know for me there was a long time where I might chat in one medium or another, but was totally unwilling to actually meet some one. These days I’m long past where meeting or being in public will actually inconvenience me (I was a drag performer for several years so I’ve been about as out there as possible), but I remember what it was like.

  • Becca Lynn

    Thanks for a great add to the blog. You are so right about the “dread closet”. I was in it myself for my first 10 years and can only now go out in certain situations and locales. I admire those that have the courage to go out whenever and wherever they want and I want to encourage those that are still working on developing that courage to finally take the step. As I’m sure you’d agree… finally taking that step to leave the dread closet, even if only for a quick trip, is as exhilarating as everybody imagines it will be.

  • JoAnnCD_Mistress

    One of the great things about the Internet, is that we can find – and communicate with – others who love femininity so much we want to experience it as intensely as we can. Many years back there was a site URnotalone, and regular meetings nationally through Southern Comfort.

    Fetlife has opened the doors to not only fully enjoying recreational crossdressing and gender bending, but to know and find that there are TONS of us !! Thanks to Q, we can easily get to know
    folks close to us to share our love for the Feminine in the flesh in real life.

    We are a minority of a minority, so we need to cherish and stick together with each other. Thankfully for soap and water, we can unstick before we get together with those boring vanillas we all have in our life !

  • Anne K.

    A well reasoned and written blog! I’m sure it resonates with so any CD/Trans. It describes my journey. I have cast aside all of the fear and dread I experienced for far too long. My wife is completely supportive and I have been coming out to friends. The support is remarkable. I’m so lucky.

    Still, I long to meet and socialize with other CD/Trans…..

    There is an interesting photo book, Casa Susanna (ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781576877333). The author was at a flea market and stumbled upon a box of photos from the 1950’s of CD’s who gathered at a home owned by Susana. It was a safe place to spend a weekend with other CD’s. Image the difficulty of meeting and socializing with other CD’s in the 1950’s! Perhaps CoQ is a modern version of Casa Susana.

    • Domina Doll

      That’s a very cool observation Anne K. I’d love to check out that photo book!

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