Ask Ms. Ava: “Am I Gay?”

Dear Ms. Ava, 

I’ve been crossdressing for 5 years and am beginning to get comfortable going out, but I keep wondering how this affects my sexuality.  When I dress, I love getting looks from men, and recently I’ve had a couple of fun rendezvous with real men.  Does this make me gay, bisexual, confused, or just prove that I know how to have fun? ~ J

Dear J,

First… yes, you do know how to have fun!

The subject of labels can be touchy and emotionally charged. I don’t mind them; labels serve as useful shorthand to help understand someone in broad strokes. But they can also take up tons of mind space. This particular question creates an astonishing amount of brain churn among crossdressers and sissies.

I’m not a sexuality lexicographer, but IMHO the deciding factors for the sexuality “label” you choose are (i) what you consider your gender to be; (ii) who you’re attracted to, and under what circumstances; and (iii) what feels good to you.

Here are my general definitions:

Do you identify as male? Are you sexually attracted to men, but not to women (either cis or trans)? Then yes, you’re gay.

Do you identify as male but enjoy wearing women’s clothes? Are you attracted only to women, and don’t desire cock, regardless of how you’re dressed? You’re a straight crossdresser.  When you’re en femme,  though, you might think of yourself as a lesbian.

Are you attracted to women and men, no matter how you’re dressed? Call yourself bisexual. If that attraction includes others on the gender spectrum, pansexual is more accurate.

Do you identify as a straight male, but when you’re in panties, or in a feminized state of mind, your thoughts turn to pleasing cock… to being on your knees or your back, submitting to a superior person with a penis (real or simulated), and likely enamored with cum? You’re clearly a sissy. When you dive into sissy space, you go deep. The stunt cock or the male pursuer are props in your fantasy of being a sexy, desirable woman. Once you strip off the lipstick and panties and leave that mental space, you leave behind most thoughts of cock. Until next time.

Here’s the most important thing about labels, J: don’t let them limit you.

As a CD or sissy, you’re a more complex creature than most… too colorful to be painted by number.

Call yourself whatever you like, whether for the convenience of others or to reflect your own self-concept. It’s just a word. You are you. Be considerate, look your best, and be honest about what you want. That will carry more meaning than the label you adopt.

Stay lovely,

Ms. Ava


Crossdressing readers: Do you consider yourself straight, bisexual, pansexual, gay, or other, and why? Please comment below and/or take this quick survey:

Crossdresser Survey: What Sexual Label Do You Use for Yourself? 


“Ask Ms. Ava: Your Sissy & Crossdressing Questions Answered by a Sensual Loving Mistress” is a regular column by Ms. Ava Durga.

Got a question or want advice from Ms. Ava?  Members, send your questions to Ms. Ava directly though the CoQ messaging system; non-members, please use the contact form.

By Ava Durga

I'm one of the cofounders of Circle of Q and love working with Sissy Becca and our team to create this community for you. I established The Sissy Parlor of South Florida in 2017, the Blue Belles Meetup groups for CDs and transfemmes in 2018, dressed my first sissy in 2001, and have been privy to a broad spectrum of identities, relationships, sexualities, and lifestyles along the way.  In addition to running Circle of Q, I advise male clients all over the world on accepting and exercising the desire to explore feminine experiences of all types. Read my extended bio here.  

5 thoughts on “Ask Ms. Ava: “Am I Gay?”

  • lockedsissyangie

    For a long time I was just a sissy but thanks to my Mistress(Wife) pushing me to be sissy 24/7 and introducing me to a few guys I have come to the realization that I am BI or maybe pan but I have not run in to a lot of trans men or women yet to know. It is places like this and people like Ms. Ava that make exploring that king of thing not only easer but fun.

    • Sabrina

      I’m not concerned with labels, the process of hyper-feminization is delightfully adorable. I’m so aroused dressed and but more importantly it’s who I am, what I relish, and then incredibly freeing. I am considering transitioning.

  • Erin Taylor

    This is a really good way to break it down I wished I had been told this back when I was in my teens. I would have been able to feel more comfortable in my own expression.

    • Domina Doll

      Yes, there is such a misunderstanding between gender expression and sexual orientation I find.

  • Jan Stevens

    Definitely Im a Sissy….

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